i’ve been keeping a secret …..

Hello, Loves!

As you can tell from the title, I’ve been going through one of those life things.

You know, one of those patches in your life that are hard to figure out, and you keep searching until you find “it”?

Well, that’s been me.

For the past 8 weeks or so, I’ve been on this journey. And it’s been a beautiful, raw, life changing journey and one that can only have come from God!

And it’s all coming out in this blog post, where I’m baring myself for all of you to read.

For the past majority of my life, I have been hunting. I’ve been hunting for myself, for my identity, for my “thing”, for what makes me “me”.  And it’s been so hard.

Then, in early high school, I caved into “labels” – and this has practically ran my life since then.

Everything – everyone – was then labeled.

“Preppy”.

“Simple”.

“Chic”.

“Farmgirl”.

“Quirky”.

All labels that I have used to define myself – and whatever that label was, it would affect how I dressed and looked and carried myself. Along with home decor, and how I chose to eat.

It has been so very self-destructive – it’s been terrible.

I have always longed for freedom and independence, but yet I’ve been restricting the very thing I have longed for by creating labels and even caring too much about how people saw me and how I looked.

Because of the friends I have had in the past, I viewed their lives and noted things I liked about each one – but instead of simply noting these things and trying to add these subtle influences to my life, it came out as being “carbon copies” of them!

Do you know how bad it feels? To be the carbon copy of someone else? Don’t do it.

Then, there are all the things I like and love to do – like writing, photography and making things.

Oh, and living off the land.

And holistic living, health, and nutrition.

But, you see, I’ve been scared to say these things. To show these things.

To be labeled “granola” or “crunchy” – again, the labeling!

To be different

Eight weeks ago, I began to feel drawn back to my roots. Back to “me”.

I would be on the computer, or on my phone, or on Youtube and things about organic living, clean living, a world without labels, homesteading and going back to the land would just pop up – for no reason – right in front of me.

Sometimes I would watch them, sometimes I would pass by them. When I passed by them I would start to feel down, aggravated, and discontent.

At about 6 o’clock every night it would get worse – I would see this angry, discontented version of myself and then see a happy, raw version of myself. It baffled me.

Then the dreams started – I was always seeing two versions of myself.

One, a hectic woman always going going going and never stopping, who was very unhealthy, sad and depressed.

The second, a beautiful carefree version of myself with a happy husband, beautiful children, and raw life.

They wouldn’t happen every night – but most of the time.

And then, it happened to my daily thoughts.

I was climbing towards this dream life many young women chase – a successful business, lots of money, long education, fancy clothes and fancy home, perfect husband, and perfect children. The kind of life these lifestyle magazines and books portray.

I was bent on that being me.

But as I thought about this, my thoughts would always be interrupted. By God.

“No, that’s not the way.” That soft whisper I have heard before said in that still, small voice it always comes from. “That’s not the life.”

The more I clawed for this life – perfect image, curated media feeds, high expectations – the unhappier I was becoming.

Think: breakdowns, headaches, anxiety, anxiety attacks. Feeling depressed.

(side note: I can be very stubborn. plus, I hadn’t heard God this way in a very, very long time.)

But I would shove Him away, and keep clawing. Never satisfied. Always grumpy. Discontent.

I’m an overachiever, I always have been. Ever since I was little, I have set an invisible bar up so high that I’ve always known I would never reach it.

My parents have always only had one bar for me: to be a happy, fulfilled child of God and to bless others from what I’ve been given.

So simple! Simple, but excruciatingly hard for me. The overachiever. The labeler.

By this point, though, God was starting to wear me down. I was starting to resist a little less, every day.

I was becoming tired.

By the 5th week of all this, I was starting to wake up in the middle of the night to think about me. The happy “me” of 0 through 12. of 13. And then, the happy “me” of 18.

What did all of these have in common? I would be woken completely up with this thought in mind.

I then came to the fact that this “me” was closer to God, for one, but I also found a few other things that I realized – I was content. I cared little about what others thought of me, aside from Christ.

I didn’t label people and groups of people.

I cared for animals, and wanted to know the real and raw of people.

I cared for the land.

Have I lost you yet? Do you think I’m crazy?

The next day I woke up with chills, God had shown me who He created “me” to be – the thing in question now was would I listen.

Fast forward to yesterday, I took my mom to Whole Foods and we ate off the salad bar.

Up to this point, I hadn’t told anyone about the battle I was going through – or breathed a word, not even to my husband.

It was just one of those things that you know deep down inside of you that is between you and God, no middle person needed. It has been torture because of my own self, but beautiful because of Him.

I couldn’t hold it any longer, and I think God selected this time and place for me to share my journey with the one who He had given me to, who raised me and helped me get set into motion.

It felt so good to share! And she didn’t think I was crazy, or weird, or losing it.

I’ve since come to find out that living a raw, organic, intentional and holistic life is something we now share in common with one another, and I find that amazing!

While I now finally see the light at the end of this 8-week journey, even though it has been sewn together from many years and many experiences, I know that there is still much for me to learn.

That there will be hardships and setbacks – but to let go and let God.

For me to be the person God created me to be, to live organically and go back to the basics.

To be free of labels and curated anythings. To be simple.

This land wasn’t held for 5 generations for nothing – it all begins with God and me.

It will someday be a haven of sustainability, holistic living, and a beautiful life. It will be just as God created it to be, and we will be living the way God intended us to live!

All the hobbies and gifts I have ever been given have all come down to this, right here. To make the person I am, and for me to take this by the reins.

I am done running from God, from pushing Him away.

From clawing at a life not meant for me to live, and to listen to Him on my life’s direction.

Now, has life went *poof* and done a 360? No. There is still much to learn on this journey – but it is beautiful and I am learning to appreciate it for everything that it is!

I was meant to work the land, to live an authentically organic life.

Life with intention and purpose. A life made up of getting back to the basics, without labels.

This land was saved for me for a reason – and God is helping me find that reason! And can I tell you something?

Ever since I changed my thinking and relented – I have been so happy. It’s the contented happy.

And to me, it’s the best kind!

Now I know that for some of you reading this, I’ve lost you. You don’t understand.

The “Granola” type living isn’t for you or meant for you, and you just can’t grasp why I wouldn’t want that picturesque magazine life – why I would trade it for dirt, natural medicine, animals and a large piece of land that goes on forever, seemingly.

It’s because we’ve both been called to two different lifestyles, and that’s ok. 

I do hope you keep checking back here from time to time, to see what I’m up to and what else changes for the good in my life’s story! But, if not, I want to thank you for your support and the many comments you have left.

You see, I’ve also decided to blog from the heart – uncurated – and just let this blog tell a story.

I’m no longer clawing to get numbers or comments, those will come when it is time.

Thank you for understanding! But I cannot be fully authentic if I do not blog from my heart, uncurated and uncut.

Let’s see just what else is looming in the future, shall we?!

autumn renae 

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Hello, there! I'm so glad you stumbled across my blog! I'm passionate about striving to live the Proverbs 31 model, my Sweet Hubby, and blogging about Homemaking and DIY Crafts! Want to know more? Visit my business website or look at the latest blogpost!

9 thoughts on “i’ve been keeping a secret …..

  1. What a beautiful, transparent post. Thank you for sharing with us and I’m so happy to hear you are getting back to YOU. I know I always felt out of place in high school because I hated labels and being put into a box. I am thankful I can be me!

    Liked by 1 person

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