the returning to my roots, it’s a sweet and slow process.
feeling the grass beneath my feet, wet with dew, as I walk barefoot through the gardens and the lawn.
the morning sun is just coming up, the sky somewhat of a reddish-yellow – I remember the old rhyme “red sky in the morning, sailor, take warning! red sky at night, sailors delight”.
I wonder if it will rain.
life way out here is so beautiful beyond words, I get giddy with happiness as if I were nine years old again, just thinking about it!
I am not like other 21-year-olds I know.
but contrary to popular belief, I don’t mind it a bit. none.
in fact, this makes me happy! I have been, for a long time, happily going against the grain of society and living a life of non-conformity.
could I get better at it? of course …. everyone is always learning and changing. growing.
there was a time I hated being different – I was ridiculed, shunned, not given a second thought. I wanted to be popular, have lot’s of friends (
so-called friends … ugh) and be the one everyone looked to.
so, I changed.
I changed myself, and when I did that, I felt a little part of me die.
from then forward, my life revolved around being the people pleaser – and that included hours of making sure each outfit was to the nines, teeth perfectly white, hair sleeked back and a (fake) inner confidence.
in fact, my confidence had hit rock bottom.
even with finally being the popular one – I had never felt so lonely in my life.
actually, I learned that I had felt less lonely with only two close friends – the true, always-there-for-ya kind of friends.
friends I ditched when I became popular because they just weren’t cool.
I lived this life for two whole years.
I hated every minute of it.
it was during this period in my life that I found myself slowly dying inside – like a disease that was eating me from the inside out.
nobody really knew, though, I’ve always been good about keeping my feelings neutral on the outside. it’s a blessing, and a curse.
on my lowest day, I laid down for an afternoon nap – and the dream God gave me changed everything.
I woke up with cold chills, was burning hot, and felt nauseated.
from that afternoon on – I went on a mission to once again find “me”. it’s still a work in progress, but I can say I’m the closest I’ve ever been to “me” and I keep fighting every day!
I feel myself every time I sow a seed.
when I run my fingers through some loose, dark soil – I feel myself blossoming.
as I walk across the lawn into the gardens barefoot, I feel grounded and have the biggest boost of confidence I have known.
laying down, daydreaming about my plans for this place, I know that I am on the right track.
sitting outside on a clear night just listening to the woodland animals and watching the stars, I feel God’s presence.
returning to my roots, myself, is such a sweet process.
they say everything good takes time – I can only imagine how good all this will turn out as I continue on my journey.
the return in imminent – and I could not be happier.